Words by Craig Berger
I had a beeper once that my mother gave me my freshman year in college. It was a fine beeper. About as black and sleek as Motorola made them those days. When I didn’t call back within five minutes she would start to worry. After ten minutes she would start to cry. After fifteen minutes she would start to search the obituaries and calculate all the money that I owed her.
That is why I had to throw my beeper in the lake, and it skipped well. My love affair with beepers was choppy after that which echoed real life romances and likewise, always ended in some form of liquid immersion. It wasn’t until 9/11 and other myriad cell-phone paralyzing events that I began to miss my old and faithful ever-buzzing buddy.
Then there were those who took to their pagers as passionately as an extension of themselves. Nancy had a Phish sticker and a marijuana leaf on hers. Brian had a Christian icthus and cross on his. One day to spark a fight, my friends and I switched their beepers. I was expecting 609 or 43 which means “I’m mad at you” and “fuck you” respectively so it was rather 9810 “boring” when after six hours I received 53 and 55 which meant “thank you” and “you are a sweetheart” respectively.
They’ve been married for ten years now with two kids. He’s a construction engineer and she’s a nurse, both still tethered to the simple one-way radio transmitter that bound them.
In an effort to relive this golden era of pre-texting pretext when the drama was in the digits, I proudly present: Beeper Theater or better yet, the Pagers of our Lives.
ACT I
Liz – Ken: 385 “hey handsome”
Ken – Liz: 07334 “hello”
Liz – Ken: 525 “going to the party?”
Ken – Liz: 17 “no”
Liz – Ken: 121 “I need to talk to you”
Ken – Liz: 949 “why?”
Liz – Ken: 007 “I’ve got a secret”
Ken – Liz: 5020 “what?”
Liz – Ken: 143 “I love you”
Ken – Liz: 187 “I hate you”
Liz – Ken: 9437 “liar”
Ken – Liz: 100*200*300 “can’t see you anymore”
Liz – Ken: 455 “don’t make me come get you”
Ken – Liz: 010 “plans changed”
Liz – Ken: 0121 “I’m confused”
Ken – Liz: 6*9999999 “get in line”
Liz – Ken: 508*508 “sob sob”
Ken – Liz: 722 “don’t beep me”
Liz – Ken: 122 “I want/need you”
Ken – Liz: 7007 “you’re a joke”
Liz – Ken: 399 “you’re hurting me”
Ken – Liz: 30 “this is getting old”
Liz – Ken: 1432222222 “I love you so much!”
Ken – Liz: 1776 “you’re sickening”
Liz – Ken: 95507*3704 “your loss, asshole!”
ACT II
Liz – Ann: 911 “emergency!”
Ann – Liz: 333*606 “wassup, bitch?”
Liz – Ann: 55*304 “having a bad day, ho!”
Ann – Liz: 7979*00 “cheer up, airhead”
Liz – Ann: 70 “I’m depressed”
Ann – Liz: 10*4 “is everything okay?”
Liz – Ann: 966*1023 “bad news, it’s over”
Ann – Liz: 5012124 “sorry”
Liz – Ann: 54321 “I’m ready to explode”
Ann – Liz: 9043 “relax”
Liz – Ann: 1423 “I want to die”
Ann – Liz: 35006*17715 “silly goose”
Liz – Ann: 757 “I miss my baby”
Ann – Liz: 15 “hugs”
Liz – Ann: 400 “wanna hear something stupid?”
Ann – Liz: 001 “please”
Liz – Ann: 117*559*02197 “I’m a lard ass”
Ann – Liz: 10*43 “you’re perfect, you freak”
Liz – Ann: 6734 “help!”
Ann – Liz: 2*2 “let’s go dance”
Liz – Ann: 9339 “some other time”
Ann – Liz: 7179 “best buds”
Liz – Ann: 477 “best friends forever”
Ann – Liz: 603*213507 “hope you feel better, loser”
Liz – Ann: 5971*08237 “I do feel better, lezbo”
ACT III
Ken – Ann: 9*52 “I screwed up”
Ann – Ken: 230 “oh yeah!”
Ken – Ann: 9*2*9 “forgive me”
Ann – Ken: 8498 “forget it”
Ken – Ann: 1925 “let’s go out”
Ann – Ken: 808*804 “bad boy!”
Ken – Ann: 815 “I’ll be good”
Ann – Ken: 23 “whatever”
Ken – Ann: 9341 “do you like me?”
Ann – Ken: 29 “you stink”
Ken – Ann: 90 “you’re beautiful”
Ann – Ken: 335 “you’re crazy”
Ken – Ann: 9143 “do you love me?”
Ann – Ken: 303 “stop playing!”
Ken – Ann: 9876 “I’m serious”
Ann – Ken: 13579 “this is weird”
Ken – Ann: 21 “let’s have a drink”
Ann – Ken: 90*90*90 “no! no! no!”
Ken – Ann: 8198 “how about dinner?”
Ann – Ken: 937 “never”
Ken – Ann: 9428 “then what do you want to do?”
Ann – Ken: 8255 “get your butt over here now”
Ken – Ann: 209 “on my way”
Ann – Ken: 52 “hurry!”
*These codes were found on http://www.angelfire.com/zine/Lindsey/beepercodes.htm, http://gaia.ecs.csus.edu/~hiratsuc/pager.html, http://members.tripod.com/~SPiDeY_7734/pager.html, http://everything2.com/title/numeric+beeper+codes, http://www.ocf.berkeley.edu/~beno/nfpager.html and http://www.hal0gen.com/archive/anarkia/411_beeper.html.
