Words by Melissa Burgos and Josh Shaw
In every relationship, it’s inevitable to have questions for your partner. Questions that are not necessarily scandalous, but more quiet wonders- maybe something small that nags at your subconscious, or a deep set fear that you would never say out loud, a nervous tick that presents itself only in the throes of a knock down drag out fight or intimate post-whatever pillow talk. A subject you wouldn’t dare breach in worry of highlighting a fear that you yourself may have or worse, share. You often have to wait for the proverbial bridge to cross to even get a hint at some of these question-answers. What if you not only just asked, but were also accountable for answering them yourself? Brooklyn couple Josh and Melissa aired five of these insecurities in interview form, five things that they wonder about, or feel unsafe about in their relationship- and in the spirit of accountability and solidarity they also answered the questions they themselves asked, with the idea that maybe this happens in every relationship. So ten in all for each Melissa and Josh. They hope this doesn’t ruin their lives. If it does it may also ruin yours; the dating pool grows.
Questions Josh Asked Melissa: Melissa’s answers
Josh: Which of my friends would you fuck (not in a funny way)?
Melissa: Well, this is a tough one. Shit. You surround yourself with incredibly hilarious, fun, interesting, sexy, wild, FTW attitude people. This is a compliment towards you and your character. There are certainly some friends of yours I find attractive on a purely physical level. They have great style or a good beard or funny tattoos or an appealing baby beer belly or all of those things plus a cute accent, like Josh from Clientele. There are other friends of yours that I just have a lot in common with, so that always adds sexy points. Like Sat, he is Puerto Rican and punk as shit. Although I really think blazing any one of these men would be super weird. Oh, I once thought about sex with Morgan, before ever talking to him. His hand tattoos and really salty attitude- and he acts like money ain’t no thing (he was always drinking expensive ass juices and seeing movies), so I thought he’d be a pretty good eff. After getting to know him I’ve change that opinion, but I figured it was worth noting that I thought about blazing him.
Josh: Is my dick the biggest/smallest?
Melissa: Your gender studies ass knows that this question is pretty irrelevant, as dicks come in all shapes and sizes, and you know that this shit isn’t what gets women off. (hand holding, concern for everything, and meaningful eye contact do). But to get to the legit answer, I’ll break it down to the three parts that make a dick size. Length, Shape, and Girth. Allow me to say you have an incredibly impressive penis. Its really pretty, and looks good both hard and soft. Your length, while excellent, is not the longest I’ve seen. I made the mistake of seeing someone who was, er, in the ‘industry’, and literally made a living off the length of his wang at one point in time. Hindsight allowed me to realize that that was all homeboy had going for him. Like a model, he was never asked to be more than a pretty dick, so in bed it was awful. Sure it was long, but that shit was uncomfortable, I never got off, it was no bueno. The shape of your penis is awesome. I guess shape can’t be classified as big or small, but you get the point. Yours hangs wonderfully (especially in ‘slacks’). Also worth noting is the girth of your pee-pee. Its real thick, and in a way that takes some getting used to. I have seen a girthy (worst word ever) penis here and there, any they are fun as shit. Is yours the girthiest? I don’t really know, it could be. Who cares, I’m satisfied.
Josh: What one (or more possibly) thing would you change about me (superficially, must choose one)?
Melissa: Crap. Nothing! Its not a cop out for me to say that, right? I adore you, I’m really attracted to you. I wouldn’t want you to change a thing, its how and why I fell for you in the first place. Change your socks now and then?
Josh: Do you feel like I have held you back or impeded the progress of your life before I was part of it?
Melissa: Absolutely not. It’s no secret that you have improved my quality of life, a milli-fold (thats better than tenfold, right)((coincidentally listening to “a milli” toy selectah remix)). I don’t wanna look at things BJ or AJ, before josh or after josh, cause that would be absurd. But- there have been many changes I have made to improve my life, and you have done nothing except encourage and inspire me to believe its possible. Before I knew you, I never ever ever would have even tried to improve any of my situations, whether due to a lack of self confidence, or belief that it was possible for ‘someone like me’, or just general laziness. These days I feel like I have a lot going for me, and much of it is due to you and your encouragement. There’s still a lot or work for me to do, but without sounding corny, I know I will do it, in my own time, and successfully. The way you live your life inspires me to want that for myself. And, I think this is the big one, you have made me believe that I deserve that. I am so grateful to you for showing me, through example, that its possible. They only thing you have impeded, if anything, is my desire to go everywhere all the time. You have absolutely no want or need to ‘check it out’, and that’s cool. I should probably get that in check anyway. Its not like every goddamn art opening or punk show is going to change my life.
Josh: In 10 years we are still together, what kind of life do you think we will have?
Melissa: Wow. I think we will be a little fatter and greyer than we are now…hopefully with a bigger TV and no bunk ass roommates consistently blowing our spot up. I like to imagine us a lot like we are now, extraordinarily happy, laughing frequently, having secrets and adventures, and inside jokes and good cries and impromptu stoop/dance parties, except a fuck ton richer. By this point one of us will have become a millionaire, so we can live comfortably wherever and however we want. Maybe get a margarita machine or a gold plated toilet, over which we can hang one of our Barbara Kruger pieces. I do also think that health will be a big part of our life, for better or worse or however more boring. I bet we’ll both be epic runners, consistent cyclists, eating right on the reg and shit. Making mad good food all the time, pooping regularly. I think we will both be extraordinarily happy, if we can help it.
Questions Melissa Asked and Answered Herself
Melissa: Do you think we have a future together?
Melissa: I’m not sure either of us are the type of people to get involved in something if we didn’t think it was absolutely worthwhile. I have a pretty good grasp of what I’m interested in, and what kind of people I wanna spend time with, and I try to make an effort to focus on that and not waste time with the other shit that would impede my progress in life. With that being said, yeah, of course I do.
Melissa: Have you ever kept anything from me, purposefully?
Melissa: Yeah, I have. I think in any relationship, be it friends or family or partnerships, there is a certain level of privateness, or, a desire to keep yourself you. For some people it involves having a secret life. For others it could mean doing something strictly for themselves, however large or small that thing is, without the opinion/approval/knowledge of anyone else. I would go so far as to say its important…at least while you are young and don’t have anyone to ‘answer to’. Nothing dangerous or sketchy or relationship-destroying, obviously. Additionally, there are some small things that I just want to keep to myself. Mostly involved in personal grooming and the like. I’ve talked to girlfriends about this and they have echoed this sentiment, so I’m not crazy.
Melissa: Are you satisfied sexually? Are there things you want to try/are interested in but haven’t brought it up?
Melissa: I am. And yes, there are.
Melissa: Do you compare me to other partners? Expound, whether yes or no.
Melissa: Of course I have. The relationships I have had with other people have shaped who I am, whether I like it or not. There is always going to be a level of comparison. It sounds very unfair- and I don’t mean it to. Its just that life experiences are what they are, and they are as a result of something. It would, in some cases, almost behoove me to compare certain situations to others. Building blocks, if you will.
Melissa: Whats the most deviant thing you have ever done? Sexual or otherwise
Melissa: Err see question 2.
Questions Josh Asked and Answered Himself
Josh: Which of my friends would you fuck (not in a funny way)?
Josh: I would pretty much fuck all of your friends if circumstances are as they usually are in these hypothetical type questions. Its that’s crass and maybe a cop out answer but shit, I really would. I owe it to you and Working Class to be more specific, I know. In that interest I’ll pick one and expound.
You have a discerning taste so all of your friends are quite beautiful, funny, well dressed, smart, confident, huh…
Andrea. Something tells me that she lays pipe!
Josh: Is my dick the biggest/smallest?
Josh: I am not sure the equivalent for you. Men are so lost in the myth of dicks and the posturing that goes along with it. I don’t know if this should call into question your assumed sexual prowess in relation to the size of your genitals or your ‘womanhood’? Neither of those seem to hold the same type weight or come with the same connotation that is implied in relation to a mans penis size. God, that’s bullshit but what can you say to this?
Josh: What one (or more possibly) thing would you change about me (superficially, must choose one)?
I tried really hard to answer this, I have nothing. i think what is most interesting is me going through the possible answers and really having to decide if I was discounting them based on lack of criteria or your possible reaction. I really, honestly do not have an answer. I almost feel worse not having an answer than having one. I also thought of things that i know make you feel self conscious but those things don’t really bother me. I am no saint and I want to believe that I would really answer this if I in fact had an answer.
Josh: Do you feel like I have held you back or impeded the progress of your life before I was part of it?
Josh: Not at all. You have reminded me of things i had forgotten about myself that i love.
Josh: In 10 years we are still together, what kind of life do you think we will have?
Josh: I really don’t know. I feel lost at this point in my life as it is. I am looking for a direction. I couldn’t even begin to speculate where ten years takes two people. I know that if its exactly the same i won’t be unhappy with my relationship. I may very well be upset with my lack of deviation in my personal life track but that’s on me.
Questions Melissa Asked Josh: Josh’s Answers:
Melissa: Do you think we have a future together?
Josh: I do think we have a future together. I am not sure how to expound on that. Its a feeling. I am not one for saying something as vague as that or rather saying anything that i cannot hope to back up with facts or math equations ect. but i do feel it. Maybe its more like when I imagine our future I smile. I don’t feel anxious or trapped. I believe that I will laugh with you as hard in 10 years as I did today and to me that’s what denotes future, the ability to make each other happy.
Melissa: Have you ever kept anything from me, purposefully?
Josh: I very much have and am just chomping at the bit to get this off my chest. It’s not a big deal at all but super embarrassing. Its mostly embarrassing because for some reason you have this idea that I am really cool. I am not sure how that happened. Maybe its the product of all the new relationship shine you put on things. Not lies but we definitely put the best of our best feet forward. Anyway, as it was a summer full of parties and booze, I naturally wanted to be seen as a seasoned vet. I don’t know why anyone takes pride in the ability to consume copious amounts of alcohol consistently and operate on a functional level when sober. The fact is that that shit fucks my next day up more often than not. I don’t know why I pretend it doesn’t and you’ve seen me puke and act a fool and all that. Really barfing and being a complete jackass are way more embarrassing but unhideable. The one product of that summer that I have always kept from you was this, so simple, so innocent, so not a big deal, so much so that I never told you. One night, after some random party, we came to your house, hung out drunk for a bit blah blah blah, passed out. Next thing I know I am waking up to myself peeing in your bed. Not the beginning but mid-full-blast pee; like I was standing at the toilet at a ballpark or something; in fact I was dreaming of standing at a toilet in a stadium. A LOT OF PEE. It was everywhere. I was horrified but aware enough not to want to alert you to the situation so I pinched the head of my penis, slowly got out of bed, finished peeing in the bathroom, took off all my wet peepee clothes, found a change in the dark, put like six towels down on the bed, laid on them and went back to sleep, made sure I didn’t move an inch when you got up and I guess I had the day off cause after you left I tried really hard to clean it up. It didn’t smell or stain or anything but I was mortified to tell you. I always, always, always pee before bed now. ALWAYS!
Melissa: Are you satisfied sexually? Are there things you want to try/are interested in but haven’t brought it up?
Josh: I would say a hearty yes to being sexually satisfied. I am attracted to you and find you very sexy. Beyond the physical, I feel wanted, special, strong. I never knew that these things would be important to me. They apparently are.
Melissa: Do you compare me to other partners? Expound, whether yes or no.
Josh: No. Maybe to a fault. There are certain things I am sure I have learned from past relationships that could inform the way I navigate this one but for some reason I have more of a blank slate approach. Not across the board mind you but in the end I know that you are completely different from any partner I have had in the past based solely on the ideals of humanistic individuality. The traits you may share with people in my past come from different life experiences, different geographies, different influence so much so that in the end they may as well be a wholly different entity.
Melissa: Whats the most deviant thing you have ever done? Sexual or otherwise.
Josh: Huh, I am not sure i would consider anything I have done as deviant. Well, no I am wrong. The time that I watched the strangers fuck for money to insane clown posse and then pee on each other was pretty deviant.
Ahmazing. Im in love w you both and would let yall pee in my bed anytime.
love this.. the pee story confused me though. did melissa pinch the head of her dick? if so, this relationship just got even more interesting.