Photography by Winnie Au
Words by Moni Briones
Both initial attraction and racial stereotypes, as they pertain to relationships, often act as gateways to new and unexpected life experiences.
McNulty, Neff and Karney noted in their latest study for the Journal of Family Psychology, “[The idea] that attractiveness accounts for process and outcomes in new relationships is not surprising. Physical appearance is frequently the first thing people learn about one another and thus may be the only information upon which new relationship partners can base their attitudes toward the relationship.”
Such was the case when Julio and Christine, an interracial couple from Queens, NY met five years ago online.
“I saw her picture and thought, wow, and I want to talk to her… so I messaged her and well, the story begins,” said Julio.
“I could tell from his picture that he was Hispanic and I’d been interested in meeting someone of that background. For some reason, I found men of that ethnicity most attractive. Either way, we ended up speaking almost all night when he first called I wasn’t expecting it. His words sealed the deal,” noted Christine.
These responses do fit McNulty, Neff and Karney’s study and also lend to a greater picture, or maybe a missing factor: race.
“I definitely reached out to her knowing that she was Asian,” said Julio, “How could you ignore her fine picture? I’d been attracted to Asian women for a while, but had never spoken to one. They always seemed so guarded or uninterested in Dominicans. And when I finally spoke to Christine, she sounded white. I thought, is she playin’ with me?”
With the rise of interracial attraction and discovery, interracial relationships are flourishing, if not making a mark on history.
According to the latest study by the PewResearch Center, “one in seven new U.S marriages is interracial or interethnic. More strikingly, a record 14.6% of all new marriages in the United States in 2008 were between spouses of a different race or ethnicity from each other”. Apparently, the increase is in large part due to a weakening of longstanding cultural taboos against intermarriage and a large, multi-decade wave of immigrants from Latin America and Asia.”
Such change has influenced not only the couple who is dating, but their respective family centers too.
The PewResearch Center noted that “most Americans say they approve of racial or ethnic intermarriage — not just in the abstract, but in their own families. More than six-in-ten say it ‘would be fine’ with them if a family member told them they were going to marry someone from any of three major race/ethnic groups other than their own.
While these findings sound great, it was not the case for Taru, an Indian woman set to marry a Caucasian male, Mikey, in India this coming fall 2010.
“It would be 2 years before my parents met Mikey,” said Taru, “And when we expressed our intent to marry, I did not expect such apprehension from them. I’d grown up in a somewhat traditional household with a liberal mind and spirit. I suppose their fear stemmed from an innate reaction to preserve our heritage and protect me.”
Coincidently, there are even cases when family takes second seat to societal disapproval. Youngna, a Korean American who will be marrying a Polish-Jewish male, Jacob, this fall, has experienced such backlash from Korean peers, not her own parents.
“You would think that my parents would be on the forefront of disapproval regarding Jacob and I, but they’re not.” Said Youngna. “We’ve (and I) experienced more looks or stares from Koreans, especially in highly saturated Asian communities. It’s surprising, but true.”
One would assume that the dramatics of disapproval could easily rock or even break an interracial relationship, but just the opposite seems to be happening. Based on the couples Working Class interviewed for this article, it has only made their bond stronger.
“Only after visiting India did I consciously and objectively think of Taru as Indian,” said Mickey of their racial differences, “She’d always been the ambitious, attractive and passionate Taru from the start, not my ‘Indian girlfriend, Taru’. The interracial aspects of our relationship have made us think about our future, our kids, and how we will lead them in both our roots. It’s exciting and intense all at the same time.”
“We make it a point to learn ethnically about one another whether it be through cooking or simply talking,” said Youngna’s fiancee Jacob. “Youngna’s racial background does not precede her, nor does mine. They compliment us. We’re lucky enough to be together and have a chance to share our racial differences as well as experiences with our [individual] friends, who have become family too.”
In Don’t Bring Home a White Boy, Author Karyn Langhorne Folan acknowledges how cultural divide and racial differences are positive tipping points for long lasting relationships filled with wonder.
Folan strongly encourages people to look beyond racial stereotypes and experience positive dating by simply being open.
“It’s understandable if racial stereotypes are the initial points of appeal from one individual to the next,” she said in an interview, “They can act for or against a relationship. What’s more important is to get to know one another, explore each other on a personal note, not on a racial objective. Take it slow.”
But what about interethnic drama and the good ol’ fashion “sellout” mentality? Folan does not shy away from this topic in her book and provides foundations for thinking beyond the societal benchmark.
“Losing ‘blackness is at the heart of the allegation that a Black woman involved with a white man is a ‘sellout’. But what exactly is Blackness and can one actually lose it? Who gets to decide what’s Black enough and what is not? On the surface, these seem like silly questions—questions barely worth any serious discussion. But in actuality they are questions that get a great deal of thought, both from scholars and and from average Black Americans trying to determine just what it is about interracial dating that bothers us so much.”
Folan’s insight into the dynamics of interracial relationships stems well beyond her research. She is a Black woman happily married to an Irish man, and they both lovingly raise her Black daughter (from a previous marriage) together.
“My husband and I like to say that we have a long term cultural exchange. Sure, we experience cultural disagreements here and there but we do not look at them as negative or racial. They are moments that bring us together and make our marriage stronger.”